It has certainly been ages since I've been on here and so many aspects of my life have changed that I couldn't possibly begin to describe them all. One thing remains the same, however, my emotions still fuel me. Some people don't like the fact that I'm a particularly emotional individual but I'm a passionate person, that's a rather hard thing to dull down or cover up; as if I haven't tried.
Eleanor Roosevelt once said, "No one can make you feel inferior without your consent." if only that were true. Words are so powerful and even beyond the power of a word is the power of an action. Meshing words with action can have dire consequences: I've seen, firsthand, how it can break a person down: physically, mentally, emotionally.
Heartbreak is becoming far too common a feeling in my life and if I'm going to respect the words of dear Eleanor then I need to do something about it. Because, frankly, I'm miserable. Heartbreak comes from many places, it's not just a significant other that has the capabilities, best friends can have it, too. Often times a best friend has more of your heart and soul than anyone else, it's a rather large responsibility and sometimes a person just can't handle that task. Hearts take time to heal, everyone knows that, where I become torn is over the topic of best friend responsibilities: Is it my duty to forgive the malicious friend who takes and takes and takes with no regard for me? Or does there come a time where selfishness is accepted and even rewarded? I don't know how much more of my heart I can give out before I lose myself entirely.
There might be no one that reads this, but if you do, try and look at yourself closely. Everyone's been guilty of hurting another, I just wish we could all look around and acknowledge it. If we can see it, can feel the pain we inflict, then maybe, just maybe we can spare another the pain that we have known all too well. The world would be a much better place. I'm clinging to the shred of my heart that I have left but deep down I know I would give it all just to make that demanding friend happy. If no one can make me feel inferior without my consent then maybe it's time I stopped consenting. Maybe just for now being selfish is alright, deep down I know that I might cave and just forgive them and accept it. However, in my heart of hearts (well, what I have left) I know that if you don't love yourself, who will? If it takes me being selfish for me to step out and take what dignity I have left, then so be it.
It's not easy, I second guess myself with every step away. When it really comes down to it, however, would best friends do that to one another? Probably not.
And so I'll stay strong, for as long as I can. Will I keep loving? You bet. That's a huge emotion and as I said, I'm big on emotion. But first I must feel secure in loving myself. It's a daily battle, I'm just starting out and the task in and of itself is a little daunting but I have great friends, ones slightly less selfish, ones that help me to learn to love the things about me that seem unloveable.
And as for you, dear friend, I only hope your priorities are realigned and that you learn to love the side of me that you currently can't accept. It takes two, and you'll never be left alone.
My sincerest apologies for rambling, some thoughts make much more sense inside my head. This is a daily battle, one I must fight for myself.
<3 xx
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