Lizzy here,
Well I've had a stressful couple of days, being away is never easy but this trip I've actually learned a lot. Upon arrival in Pennsylvania for this little mini reunion I attended I learned that my dad is no longer paying for college housing. As I type this he interrupts me and gets on my case about why I'm not helping him carry in the 2812736 pound piece of amish furniture he just bought. Yeah, let me get right on that. Anyway he informs me that I need to stop mooching off of him. Excuse me? I think that's called being a daughter. He then proceeds to tell me that my mother doesn't pay for anything so he shouldn't have to contribute as much. Seriously? Just as a little fill in, my father has done nothing but get my hopes up and let me down since I was 8 years old. This vicious cycle began the day he walked out of my life and never really stepped back in it. While fighting publicly with my father, I found myself fighting with the boyfriend who no longer plans on seeing me the day I fly in. I blew up. All sorts of emotions running every which way, aimed at anyone who was nearby. I was ready to rid myself of the boyfriend who lets me down when I opened up my book Captivating. I start on the section about relationships...oh boy. However, it talked about how Satan tries to find his way in between a couple in the form of misguided and mishandled emotions. I had to stop for a moment. Who was I mad at? Why am I so insecure in this relationship? Boyfriend goes out paintballing for a couple hours and I'm annoyed he won't text me, asking why he can't have his phone out to respond. Why can't I let it go? And so the reflection begins. I'm driving through these beautiful mountains, listening to my iPod and I start to think. Maybe I've being overcome by some misguided emotions. Every man I've had in my life has let me down. Every. Single. One. My dad, whom I loved, left me at age 8, I remember riding down the road with my mom and staring into every blue ford f-150 I saw, just in case he decided to come back. He didn't. I can still picture him leaving. Then my mother dated a man who we all came to love, he was great, but one day he just up and left also, I'm not sure what went down between them, I was too young to be filled in but it showed me, once again, that a man is just going to let you down. I began to date for real in ninth grade. Dated a guy for three years, after we broke up I learned he'd been webcamming with naked girls and smoking, even though he explicitly told me he hadn't. Let down once again. Next boyfriend was a little younger than me, totally different from the first boyfriend. Things were wonderful, he was too cocky, but we meshed well. The summer before I left for college things got a little rough, but we were working on it. Then one day he shows up on my doorstep, kisses me, and says we're done. Turns out our entire group of friends knew he was about to dump me, everyone was waiting for it, I was the only one left in the dark. That hurt. I couldn't look a lot of people in the eyes after that. It's pretty hard not to feel really, really stupid after that. Next boyfriend was one I met in college, he was a little crazy, not really my type (like I even have one!) and he led a totally different lifestyle from me, I left a lot of things behind and joined him. For four months I let him change me into a person I never wanted to be. I'm recovering from that still. Looking at him now, he does a lot of drugs, parties too hard, and has sort of thrown away his school work. That could have been me. All that time I thought he was becoming a better person, no, he was just toying with me. And now I have the boyfriend I've been with for five months, today. Why am I insecure? I've been nothing but let down my whole life. I need to snap out of this, to realize my potential. I was told while at my aunts house that my major isn't really going to get me anywhere, I should do computer science, I should do this, I should do that. What do I expect to accomplish with a management degree? While my pre-vet cousin sits there and everyone congratulates her on her decision to go pre-vet. Why? Why would I have faith in myself when no one else seems to believe in me? Why would I believe my boyfriend loves me and isn't going to leave me when that's what everyone else has? I need to spend time with my girls, my friends, the people who can build me up. I need to be confident with my boyfriend and away because no matter what, I'll never be alone.
I will BE something one day.
I will DO something one day.
watch me.
Lizzy
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