It has certainly been ages since I've been on here and so many aspects of my life have changed that I couldn't possibly begin to describe them all. One thing remains the same, however, my emotions still fuel me. Some people don't like the fact that I'm a particularly emotional individual but I'm a passionate person, that's a rather hard thing to dull down or cover up; as if I haven't tried.
Eleanor Roosevelt once said, "No one can make you feel inferior without your consent." if only that were true. Words are so powerful and even beyond the power of a word is the power of an action. Meshing words with action can have dire consequences: I've seen, firsthand, how it can break a person down: physically, mentally, emotionally.
Heartbreak is becoming far too common a feeling in my life and if I'm going to respect the words of dear Eleanor then I need to do something about it. Because, frankly, I'm miserable. Heartbreak comes from many places, it's not just a significant other that has the capabilities, best friends can have it, too. Often times a best friend has more of your heart and soul than anyone else, it's a rather large responsibility and sometimes a person just can't handle that task. Hearts take time to heal, everyone knows that, where I become torn is over the topic of best friend responsibilities: Is it my duty to forgive the malicious friend who takes and takes and takes with no regard for me? Or does there come a time where selfishness is accepted and even rewarded? I don't know how much more of my heart I can give out before I lose myself entirely.
There might be no one that reads this, but if you do, try and look at yourself closely. Everyone's been guilty of hurting another, I just wish we could all look around and acknowledge it. If we can see it, can feel the pain we inflict, then maybe, just maybe we can spare another the pain that we have known all too well. The world would be a much better place. I'm clinging to the shred of my heart that I have left but deep down I know I would give it all just to make that demanding friend happy. If no one can make me feel inferior without my consent then maybe it's time I stopped consenting. Maybe just for now being selfish is alright, deep down I know that I might cave and just forgive them and accept it. However, in my heart of hearts (well, what I have left) I know that if you don't love yourself, who will? If it takes me being selfish for me to step out and take what dignity I have left, then so be it.
It's not easy, I second guess myself with every step away. When it really comes down to it, however, would best friends do that to one another? Probably not.
And so I'll stay strong, for as long as I can. Will I keep loving? You bet. That's a huge emotion and as I said, I'm big on emotion. But first I must feel secure in loving myself. It's a daily battle, I'm just starting out and the task in and of itself is a little daunting but I have great friends, ones slightly less selfish, ones that help me to learn to love the things about me that seem unloveable.
And as for you, dear friend, I only hope your priorities are realigned and that you learn to love the side of me that you currently can't accept. It takes two, and you'll never be left alone.
My sincerest apologies for rambling, some thoughts make much more sense inside my head. This is a daily battle, one I must fight for myself.
<3 xx
Friday, October 21, 2011
Friday, January 28, 2011
Doctors
Lizzy here,
Today I went to get a follow-up MRI to monitor the growth of a pituitary tumor I was diagnosed with 3 years ago. I managed to make it through the procedure, including the injection of contrast fluid without dying/passing out/puking on everyone. Life's okay! I should find out the results around Wednesday I believe, and I'll be sure to keep everyone posted. Best part of my morning? Dunkin Donuts. Hands down. Best Everything bagel in town. Just finished the donut I got this morning so I've officially conquered two meals with Dunkin Donuts...today is a success!
In all honesty though, I need to appreciate the little things a whole lot more! I have amazing friends and I've met a bunch more great people since I decided to branch out. I have a couple girl friends that are ALWAYS there for me, absolutely always, even when I'm dating a guy I shouldn't be, they told me the truth but loved me when I ignored them. That says a lot about their love for me! I have some great guy friends who help me to realize that NOT all guys are the same and that I will find a prince charming one day and if I don't I'll be just fine. Life is looking alright right now :]
I played my first actual game of basketball the other night! Still have the bruises to show for it but I had the greatest time! it's certainly not easy haha! I'm sufficiently lacking some hand-eye coordination! Pretty sure I inherited that one! The fun was definitely worth all the bruises though, that's a pretty clear decision, I ball hard in the paint, what can I say?
I'm sorry this post was so incredibly boring. Everyday is a new day and I have to remind myself that I was created with a purpose and that I can't get caught up on sweating the small stuff, I'm taking it all one day at a time. I'm sure I'll have more dramatic and exciting things to blog about another day, for now it's chill. Hope you can say the same.
Lizzy
Today I went to get a follow-up MRI to monitor the growth of a pituitary tumor I was diagnosed with 3 years ago. I managed to make it through the procedure, including the injection of contrast fluid without dying/passing out/puking on everyone. Life's okay! I should find out the results around Wednesday I believe, and I'll be sure to keep everyone posted. Best part of my morning? Dunkin Donuts. Hands down. Best Everything bagel in town. Just finished the donut I got this morning so I've officially conquered two meals with Dunkin Donuts...today is a success!
In all honesty though, I need to appreciate the little things a whole lot more! I have amazing friends and I've met a bunch more great people since I decided to branch out. I have a couple girl friends that are ALWAYS there for me, absolutely always, even when I'm dating a guy I shouldn't be, they told me the truth but loved me when I ignored them. That says a lot about their love for me! I have some great guy friends who help me to realize that NOT all guys are the same and that I will find a prince charming one day and if I don't I'll be just fine. Life is looking alright right now :]
I played my first actual game of basketball the other night! Still have the bruises to show for it but I had the greatest time! it's certainly not easy haha! I'm sufficiently lacking some hand-eye coordination! Pretty sure I inherited that one! The fun was definitely worth all the bruises though, that's a pretty clear decision, I ball hard in the paint, what can I say?
I'm sorry this post was so incredibly boring. Everyday is a new day and I have to remind myself that I was created with a purpose and that I can't get caught up on sweating the small stuff, I'm taking it all one day at a time. I'm sure I'll have more dramatic and exciting things to blog about another day, for now it's chill. Hope you can say the same.
Lizzy
Monday, January 24, 2011
Healing
Lizzy here,
Okay so I recently got my first tattoo: A breast cancer ribbon for Claire. I could not be more proud to wear this ribbon with me for the rest of my life, she was an amazing woman and is dearly missed. She's inspired me to be the bigger person in all the shenanigans that go down in my life. I woke up to texts about how I'm a jerk...uhh good one? First you wish me death, and now I'm a jerk and several other expletives. We are just hopping on this maturity train!
It's up to me to be the bigger person. If he wants to prey on small girls he meets on the internet...cool. I had to sit myself down two nights ago and just let myself fall apart before God. I sobbed and threw a bit of a temper tantrum but I prayed for Him to take the hatred from my heart, I know that is not of Him and it doesn't bring Him glory. It's a battle everyday, and yeah, sometimes I'm sad knowing that I could mean so little to the ex boyfriend but then I look at the friends I have, the ones that will tell me I'm beautiful when he wouldn't, the ones that will hang out with me because he wouldn't, the ones that enjoy my presence simply because I'm me, and for a minute I can forget about the negativity and rise out of it.
I look at things very similarly to this tattoo, the decision to get it done was a scary one, I'd never had a tattoo before, but once I had laid down and I heard the needle start buzzing there was no going back. It hurt a little but it's the healing process that hurts the most. Seems like that's true of most things in life. Healing takes a while but it can only happen through pain, the pain fades a bit everyday but it'll be a while until you forget just how painful it was. Like all things in life, you'll eventually forget, your brain is good like that, It's just up to us to choose to remember the lessons learned from the pain. When the pain fades, the message will still be there. I'm not going to forget how it felt to hear that I wasn't enough for someone, or how it felt when I was told that he wished I was dead, but I'll let it go, I need to be better than that. Claire would have let it go, I need to try.
I go back to my neurosurgeon tomorrow to check on my brain tumor, God has a plan so there's really no purpose in me worrying. I have decided to be happy from now on. I figure that's a decision I can control for myself. Life's not going to be perfect, it really sucks sometimes, but no one will have the ability to ruin me like my ex boyfriend did, that was my fault. From now on I want to love more, hate less, and learn to just brush things off. It's not going to be easy but I'm ready to heal. No pain no gain.
Lizzy
Okay so I recently got my first tattoo: A breast cancer ribbon for Claire. I could not be more proud to wear this ribbon with me for the rest of my life, she was an amazing woman and is dearly missed. She's inspired me to be the bigger person in all the shenanigans that go down in my life. I woke up to texts about how I'm a jerk...uhh good one? First you wish me death, and now I'm a jerk and several other expletives. We are just hopping on this maturity train!
It's up to me to be the bigger person. If he wants to prey on small girls he meets on the internet...cool. I had to sit myself down two nights ago and just let myself fall apart before God. I sobbed and threw a bit of a temper tantrum but I prayed for Him to take the hatred from my heart, I know that is not of Him and it doesn't bring Him glory. It's a battle everyday, and yeah, sometimes I'm sad knowing that I could mean so little to the ex boyfriend but then I look at the friends I have, the ones that will tell me I'm beautiful when he wouldn't, the ones that will hang out with me because he wouldn't, the ones that enjoy my presence simply because I'm me, and for a minute I can forget about the negativity and rise out of it.
I look at things very similarly to this tattoo, the decision to get it done was a scary one, I'd never had a tattoo before, but once I had laid down and I heard the needle start buzzing there was no going back. It hurt a little but it's the healing process that hurts the most. Seems like that's true of most things in life. Healing takes a while but it can only happen through pain, the pain fades a bit everyday but it'll be a while until you forget just how painful it was. Like all things in life, you'll eventually forget, your brain is good like that, It's just up to us to choose to remember the lessons learned from the pain. When the pain fades, the message will still be there. I'm not going to forget how it felt to hear that I wasn't enough for someone, or how it felt when I was told that he wished I was dead, but I'll let it go, I need to be better than that. Claire would have let it go, I need to try.
I go back to my neurosurgeon tomorrow to check on my brain tumor, God has a plan so there's really no purpose in me worrying. I have decided to be happy from now on. I figure that's a decision I can control for myself. Life's not going to be perfect, it really sucks sometimes, but no one will have the ability to ruin me like my ex boyfriend did, that was my fault. From now on I want to love more, hate less, and learn to just brush things off. It's not going to be easy but I'm ready to heal. No pain no gain.
Lizzy
Wednesday, January 19, 2011
Everyday is a fight
Lizzy here,
I keep thinking I'm going to wake up and everything will just be alright again, my heart won't hurt, I won't feel cheated or less than my true net worth. Life doesn't work that way. I grow so much stronger every day, but relapse is so easy.
The ex-boyfriend who attempted to ruin my self-esteem is coming to pick up his things friday. I'm mostly just sad about the guitar he said I could borrow. My lack of a job makes buying a guitar for myself next to impossible but I'm going to find a way! I've decided I'll attempt to start writing a song, I mean, I have a decent concept of music, I was classically trained on the trombone for 9 years. This is an entirely different world though, you become so emotionally vulnerable when you put it out publicly. I think I'm ready for that though. Public is a very relative term, technically speaking I'd only be writing a song for myself, being cathartic (word of the year!). I think I need to do this, just so I feel better. Starting with buying a guitar to replace the one he SAID I could borrow!
I've been on a little rotation of Taylor Swift songs currently, I'll start with "mean" followed my "better than revenge" and end with "innocent". Just the way my thought process kind of goes. The anger was there first, the frustration at realizing I'd let myself become a floor mat to him, followed by the desire to get even, to make him regret every mean thing he said to me to make me this way, but in the end I come back to the song saying "who you are is not where you've been", everyone makes mistakes. It's up to me to not let his mistake hold me down or continue to affect me. If that makes any sense at all!
"It's alright, just wait and see, your string of lights is still bright to me, oh who you are is not where you've been, you're still an innocent"
I'm trying to forgive, but not forget.
This could be the hardest part.
"Today is never to late to be brand new"
Lizzy
I keep thinking I'm going to wake up and everything will just be alright again, my heart won't hurt, I won't feel cheated or less than my true net worth. Life doesn't work that way. I grow so much stronger every day, but relapse is so easy.
The ex-boyfriend who attempted to ruin my self-esteem is coming to pick up his things friday. I'm mostly just sad about the guitar he said I could borrow. My lack of a job makes buying a guitar for myself next to impossible but I'm going to find a way! I've decided I'll attempt to start writing a song, I mean, I have a decent concept of music, I was classically trained on the trombone for 9 years. This is an entirely different world though, you become so emotionally vulnerable when you put it out publicly. I think I'm ready for that though. Public is a very relative term, technically speaking I'd only be writing a song for myself, being cathartic (word of the year!). I think I need to do this, just so I feel better. Starting with buying a guitar to replace the one he SAID I could borrow!
I've been on a little rotation of Taylor Swift songs currently, I'll start with "mean" followed my "better than revenge" and end with "innocent". Just the way my thought process kind of goes. The anger was there first, the frustration at realizing I'd let myself become a floor mat to him, followed by the desire to get even, to make him regret every mean thing he said to me to make me this way, but in the end I come back to the song saying "who you are is not where you've been", everyone makes mistakes. It's up to me to not let his mistake hold me down or continue to affect me. If that makes any sense at all!
"It's alright, just wait and see, your string of lights is still bright to me, oh who you are is not where you've been, you're still an innocent"
I'm trying to forgive, but not forget.
This could be the hardest part.
"Today is never to late to be brand new"
Lizzy
Monday, January 17, 2011
Today was a first!
Today I received my first death wish! I was told by someone that they wish I was dead (with some expletives thrown in for color). Mature? Makes me start to think, though, let's say this scumbag gets his wish and I were to meet an untimely demise. Who would come to the funeral? Who would be at my memorial service?
I want to take my life and live it to the very fullest, impacting everyone I meet. Honestly, if he's going to curse at me and tell me he wishes I'm dead then he's clearly not meant to be in my life. That was probably the absolute most hurtful thing anyone has ever said to me, that takes a special amount of hatred that I hope I'm never, ever able to possess. The fact of the matter is I'm going to try and forgive, I know I need to. Not for his sake, but for mine. I cannot let myself become such a harbor for hate that he became. So alright, congratulations, you deleted me on facebook and you cursed me out. Do you feel like a man yet?
Here's to yet another venting session and to all of my wonderful friends, I'm terribly sorry I've missed you all.
I regret to inform you all that I made it home safely through the rain! Sorry to disappoint;]
Lizzy
I want to take my life and live it to the very fullest, impacting everyone I meet. Honestly, if he's going to curse at me and tell me he wishes I'm dead then he's clearly not meant to be in my life. That was probably the absolute most hurtful thing anyone has ever said to me, that takes a special amount of hatred that I hope I'm never, ever able to possess. The fact of the matter is I'm going to try and forgive, I know I need to. Not for his sake, but for mine. I cannot let myself become such a harbor for hate that he became. So alright, congratulations, you deleted me on facebook and you cursed me out. Do you feel like a man yet?
Here's to yet another venting session and to all of my wonderful friends, I'm terribly sorry I've missed you all.
I regret to inform you all that I made it home safely through the rain! Sorry to disappoint;]
Lizzy
Saturday, January 15, 2011
Bring it!
Okay life got hectic.
I survived sign language, it's a total immersion class so it's kind of crazy but I'm learning a lot!
Currently I'm completely distracted by some issues that have come up.
Apparently, the ex wants me in his life, otherwise he wouldn't text me all the time. By in his life, however, he means that he wants me to sit at my apartment alone until he deems himself bored enough to consider being in my presence. Um no. So if I hang out with friends he tells me that I'm getting with all these guys and out doing terrible things. That sounds healthy, right? I told him I couldn't be "just friends" if this is the way it's going to be, this dictatorship he's created and I let him institute. So now there is no communication. He won't text me, won't talk to me. That's how important I was to his life, CLEARLY. The more I think about it, though, the better my situation will be once I have freed myself of this oppressive, satanic hold on my life! I don't need someone telling me I'm stupid, I'm dumb, I'm not pretty enough, blah blah blah. I hung out with an old roommate from last year and she said that I seem like a totally different person now. Instead of being the strong, confident girl she knew, I was this weak and powerless shell of a person. That's not alright. I'm better than this. I have a much better future than this. He kissed me when I saw him on Wednesday to get new guitar strings, but so what? I'm still nothing, I've never mattered and it's time that I matter.
So here's my thoughts, Go out with your new church and your new life and pretend like you've got it together, pretend like you care about people, that you love like Christ loved.
" These people are false apostles. They are deceitful workers who disguise themselves as apostles of Christ. But I am not surprised! Even Satan disguises himself as an angel of light. So it is no wonder that his servants also disguise themselves as servants of righteousness. In the end they will get the punishment their wicked deeds deserve."
You love me? No. You love yourself and you love control. We all do. But I'm free, I will soar on wings like eagles. You don't control me anymore. I'm experiencing the incredible love of Christ and I know I'm never alone. You will never make me feel alone again. I hope you can grow up and experience this love, too. It teaches you a lot about how to love others. We love each other because He loved us first. I hope things get better, it's been hard lately. But I'm ready to pray for him, ready to pray for me, and ready to be free in the love Christ gave so willingly. I know we are all sinners and I am so far from perfect it's not even funny and maybe I expected too much; but today is a new day.
Bring it.
I survived sign language, it's a total immersion class so it's kind of crazy but I'm learning a lot!
Currently I'm completely distracted by some issues that have come up.
Apparently, the ex wants me in his life, otherwise he wouldn't text me all the time. By in his life, however, he means that he wants me to sit at my apartment alone until he deems himself bored enough to consider being in my presence. Um no. So if I hang out with friends he tells me that I'm getting with all these guys and out doing terrible things. That sounds healthy, right? I told him I couldn't be "just friends" if this is the way it's going to be, this dictatorship he's created and I let him institute. So now there is no communication. He won't text me, won't talk to me. That's how important I was to his life, CLEARLY. The more I think about it, though, the better my situation will be once I have freed myself of this oppressive, satanic hold on my life! I don't need someone telling me I'm stupid, I'm dumb, I'm not pretty enough, blah blah blah. I hung out with an old roommate from last year and she said that I seem like a totally different person now. Instead of being the strong, confident girl she knew, I was this weak and powerless shell of a person. That's not alright. I'm better than this. I have a much better future than this. He kissed me when I saw him on Wednesday to get new guitar strings, but so what? I'm still nothing, I've never mattered and it's time that I matter.
So here's my thoughts, Go out with your new church and your new life and pretend like you've got it together, pretend like you care about people, that you love like Christ loved.
" These people are false apostles. They are deceitful workers who disguise themselves as apostles of Christ. But I am not surprised! Even Satan disguises himself as an angel of light. So it is no wonder that his servants also disguise themselves as servants of righteousness. In the end they will get the punishment their wicked deeds deserve."
You love me? No. You love yourself and you love control. We all do. But I'm free, I will soar on wings like eagles. You don't control me anymore. I'm experiencing the incredible love of Christ and I know I'm never alone. You will never make me feel alone again. I hope you can grow up and experience this love, too. It teaches you a lot about how to love others. We love each other because He loved us first. I hope things get better, it's been hard lately. But I'm ready to pray for him, ready to pray for me, and ready to be free in the love Christ gave so willingly. I know we are all sinners and I am so far from perfect it's not even funny and maybe I expected too much; but today is a new day.
Bring it.
Monday, January 10, 2011
Ah life.
Lizzy here,
So I've been absent from here for a couple days, I've been trying to sort of put myself together for school and just in general. I've been slowly coming apart and it's time to sort of pick up the pieces, you hear me? I've had a month of letdowns and disappointment. I've learned the hard way that there is no possible way I can change someone, that is only done by God's grace. I've tried, believe me, thus my month of letdowns. I suppose it's rather silly of me to expect to be able to change anyone, it's this constant battle I fight within myself for control. I'm a total control freak; sometimes things are out of my control though, that's life. I'm learning that slowly! I was pretty productive today, I worked my way through some online classes, got myself organized to a degree, and as usual, got into a screaming fight with the ex-boyfriend I claim to love. I just keep ignoring it, like it's going to make everything go away. It's not.
I'm a little nervous for my sign language class tomorrow, it's a total immersion class so there is no speaking. My teacher is deaf and so verbal communication is virtually unnecessary. As of currently, I'm feeling extremely overwhelmed and I'm thinking it's time I got everything off my chest. I swear, I'm going to have a heart attack by the time I'm 30, which, incidentally, isn't all that far off. Time comes at you fast, I thought I'd be happily settled into a relationship at this point. I'm attempting to let go of timelines for myself, Heaven knows that's only going to increase my heart attack risk. Just what the world needs.
Now part of me has been thinking about a tattoo, I've shied away from them because they're so...permanent. As a control freak, a permanent thing is something I certainly can't change so I'd have to be pretty darn sold on it to really commit to it. I'm debating between a dove and a peacock feather. A dove because it represents total freedom, found only with Christ, sort of representing me giving up control a bit if that makes sense. The ex-boyfriend discourages the dove, he wants a dove and I'd be copying him. Okay? My other option is a peacock feather. Peacock's are the epitome of beauty to me and I think women, in general, forget that we are not deemed beautiful by the guys around us, it's a beauty given to us by God, for God, so that we may grace the lives of those around us. A little reminder of the beauty I've been given wouldn't be a bad idea, especially in a world that puts people down so frequently. At this point, I haven't commit to one idea over the other but they're both under consideration.
I sit here watching the Bachelor and I can't tell whether I'm enthralled or disgusted. Let's all fight over a complete, albeit gorgeous, stranger. Sights like this make me believe a peacock feather might be the way to go, but then I have to worry about location and size and how to cover it up if necessary. So much to think about!
At this point in my life I have friends getting married, friends making down payments on their dream houses, friends contemplating having kids. What do I have? False hope.
Basically, today wasn't my day. Tomorrow is a new start though, more things to think about and do.
Hopefully I'll survive sign language. I'll keep you posted!
Enjoy your evening,
Lizzy
So I've been absent from here for a couple days, I've been trying to sort of put myself together for school and just in general. I've been slowly coming apart and it's time to sort of pick up the pieces, you hear me? I've had a month of letdowns and disappointment. I've learned the hard way that there is no possible way I can change someone, that is only done by God's grace. I've tried, believe me, thus my month of letdowns. I suppose it's rather silly of me to expect to be able to change anyone, it's this constant battle I fight within myself for control. I'm a total control freak; sometimes things are out of my control though, that's life. I'm learning that slowly! I was pretty productive today, I worked my way through some online classes, got myself organized to a degree, and as usual, got into a screaming fight with the ex-boyfriend I claim to love. I just keep ignoring it, like it's going to make everything go away. It's not.
I'm a little nervous for my sign language class tomorrow, it's a total immersion class so there is no speaking. My teacher is deaf and so verbal communication is virtually unnecessary. As of currently, I'm feeling extremely overwhelmed and I'm thinking it's time I got everything off my chest. I swear, I'm going to have a heart attack by the time I'm 30, which, incidentally, isn't all that far off. Time comes at you fast, I thought I'd be happily settled into a relationship at this point. I'm attempting to let go of timelines for myself, Heaven knows that's only going to increase my heart attack risk. Just what the world needs.
Now part of me has been thinking about a tattoo, I've shied away from them because they're so...permanent. As a control freak, a permanent thing is something I certainly can't change so I'd have to be pretty darn sold on it to really commit to it. I'm debating between a dove and a peacock feather. A dove because it represents total freedom, found only with Christ, sort of representing me giving up control a bit if that makes sense. The ex-boyfriend discourages the dove, he wants a dove and I'd be copying him. Okay? My other option is a peacock feather. Peacock's are the epitome of beauty to me and I think women, in general, forget that we are not deemed beautiful by the guys around us, it's a beauty given to us by God, for God, so that we may grace the lives of those around us. A little reminder of the beauty I've been given wouldn't be a bad idea, especially in a world that puts people down so frequently. At this point, I haven't commit to one idea over the other but they're both under consideration.
I sit here watching the Bachelor and I can't tell whether I'm enthralled or disgusted. Let's all fight over a complete, albeit gorgeous, stranger. Sights like this make me believe a peacock feather might be the way to go, but then I have to worry about location and size and how to cover it up if necessary. So much to think about!
At this point in my life I have friends getting married, friends making down payments on their dream houses, friends contemplating having kids. What do I have? False hope.
Basically, today wasn't my day. Tomorrow is a new start though, more things to think about and do.
Hopefully I'll survive sign language. I'll keep you posted!
Enjoy your evening,
Lizzy
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