Ah life.

Lizzy here,
So I've been absent from here for a couple days, I've been trying to sort of put myself together for school and just in general. I've been slowly coming apart and it's time to sort of pick up the pieces, you hear me? I've had a month of letdowns and disappointment. I've learned the hard way that there is no possible way I can change someone, that is only done by God's grace. I've tried, believe me, thus my month of letdowns. I suppose it's rather silly of me to expect to be able to change anyone, it's this constant battle I fight within myself for control. I'm a total control freak; sometimes things are out of my control though, that's life. I'm learning that slowly! I was pretty productive today, I worked my way through some online classes, got myself organized to a degree, and as usual, got into a screaming fight with the ex-boyfriend I claim to love. I just keep ignoring it, like it's going to make everything go away. It's not.

I'm a little nervous for my sign language class tomorrow, it's a total immersion class so there is no speaking. My teacher is deaf and so verbal communication is virtually unnecessary. As of currently, I'm feeling extremely overwhelmed and I'm thinking it's time I got everything off my chest. I swear, I'm going to have a heart attack by the time I'm 30, which, incidentally, isn't all that far off. Time comes at you fast, I thought I'd be happily settled into a relationship at this point. I'm attempting to let go of timelines for myself, Heaven knows that's only going to increase my heart attack risk. Just what the world needs.

Now part of me has been thinking about a tattoo, I've shied away from them because they're so...permanent. As a control freak, a permanent thing is something I certainly can't change so I'd have to be pretty darn sold on it to really commit to it. I'm debating between a dove and a peacock feather. A dove because it represents total freedom, found only with Christ, sort of representing me giving up control a bit if that makes sense. The ex-boyfriend discourages the dove, he wants a dove and I'd be copying him. Okay? My other option is a peacock feather. Peacock's are the epitome of beauty to me and I think women, in general, forget that we are not deemed beautiful by the guys around us, it's a beauty given to us by God, for God, so that we may grace the lives of those around us. A little reminder of the beauty I've been given wouldn't be a bad idea, especially in a world that puts people down so frequently. At this point, I haven't commit to one idea over the other but they're both under consideration.

I sit here watching the Bachelor and I can't tell whether I'm enthralled or disgusted. Let's all fight over a complete, albeit gorgeous, stranger. Sights like this make me believe a peacock feather might be the way to go, but then I have to worry about location and size and how to cover it up if necessary. So much to think about!

At this point in my life I have friends getting married, friends making down payments on their dream houses, friends contemplating having kids. What do I have? False hope.
Basically, today wasn't my day. Tomorrow is a new start though, more things to think about and do.
Hopefully I'll survive sign language. I'll keep you posted!
Enjoy your evening,

Lizzy