Healing

Lizzy here,
Okay so I recently got my first tattoo: A breast cancer ribbon for Claire. I could not be more proud to wear this ribbon with me for the rest of my life, she was an amazing woman and is dearly missed. She's inspired me to be the bigger person in all the shenanigans that go down in my life. I woke up to texts about how I'm a jerk...uhh good one? First you wish me death, and now I'm a jerk and several other expletives. We are just hopping on this maturity train! 


It's up to me to be the bigger person. If he wants to prey on small girls he meets on the internet...cool. I had to sit myself down two nights ago and just let myself fall apart before God. I sobbed and threw a bit of a temper tantrum but I prayed for Him to take the hatred from my heart, I know that is not of Him and it doesn't bring Him glory. It's a battle everyday, and yeah, sometimes I'm sad knowing that I could mean so little to the ex boyfriend but then I look at the friends I have, the ones that will tell me I'm beautiful when he wouldn't, the ones that will hang out with me because he wouldn't, the ones that enjoy my presence simply because I'm me, and for a minute I can forget about the negativity and rise out of it. 


I look at things very similarly to this tattoo, the decision to get it done was a scary one, I'd never had a tattoo before, but once I had laid down and I heard the needle start buzzing there was no going back. It hurt a little but it's the healing process that hurts the most. Seems like that's true of most things in life. Healing takes a while but it can only happen through pain, the pain fades a bit everyday but it'll be a while until you forget just how painful it was. Like all things in life, you'll eventually forget, your brain is good like that, It's just up to us to choose to remember the lessons learned from the pain. When the pain fades, the message will still be there. I'm not going to forget how it felt to hear that I wasn't enough for someone, or how it felt when I was told that he wished I was dead, but I'll let it go, I need to be better than that. Claire would have let it go, I need to try.


I go back to my neurosurgeon tomorrow to check on my brain tumor, God has a plan so there's really no purpose in me worrying. I have decided to be happy from now on. I figure that's a decision I can control for myself. Life's not going to be perfect, it really sucks sometimes, but no one will have the ability to ruin me like my ex boyfriend did, that was my fault. From now on I want to love more, hate less, and learn to just brush things off. It's not going to be easy but I'm ready to heal. No pain no gain.


Lizzy